The Story of Andy Mac – A poem for a less than poetical dude

He had only one arm

and a way with wimmin’

a fabulous master of disguise

he convinced the girls he liked them.

His morning through afternoon would be filled with two or three

and evening would find him on the scrounge

for more sex that was free.

He frequented pubs and bars

brothels and cars

He once managed a fuck in the garden with a spewing jane

at someone’s birthday party in the house down the lane (Auchtermuchty actually).

He would lurk under rocks

He would drive up all smiles in his Range Rover

he would be so gallant

as he rolled you over

He had a golden retriever named Mac

his succubi and pal

and I think he liked that dog more

than he did the gals.

He’d let Mac munch their gussets

while he was in bed

The dog with her knickers

all over his head

He told me he loved me

we went on from there

Shopping at Safeway

fucking our way across Scottish hillsides in Scottish spring air

We carried on oblivious without a care

it was one mad adventure

a fabulous dare

the gifts were good but the sex got quite boring

for he was priapic

and penetration can (eventually) only take you so far.

We did this in tandem

our wonderful cheat

and when my newlywed husband (his best friend!) discovered

he smashed up Mac’s speedboat, Mac's Range Rover, Mac’s lovely big house in the woods

and even left shit on Mac’s sheets!

The polis came along with numerous whims

Was it breaking and entering, criminal damage, or had you two cheats just way too far pushed him?

The husband we mean.. he’s a man after all

and if a pretty girl like you does the dirty with a dirty dude

then we let the cards fall.

The case went to court

But, can you really penalise

A man whose best friend and wife have cheated on him,

more or less before his eyes?

The fine was £200

a mere bagatelle

and Mac had to fix his own speedboat, his car, his house

and buy new sheets as well!

Mac was a Scotsman

and has left Fife forever!

he now lives in Thailand

where he can feed off the young and tender

On one of his trips West

he looked me up in Amsterdam

But I was finished with it all

done with the test

passed my exam

won’t do that again! (not with him anyway)

and I noticed he only had one arm and was quite short really.

He then tried to get back and be my ex’s friend

but they never ever made up

men are strange in the end.

So that is the story

and this is the moral

Men are the best of friends

until a woman comes between them.

2004 ã Electra